On the 1,000th try of breastfeeding

Never in my life have I both so loved and been so frustrated at any one thing.

Never in my life have I sworn so many times.

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Never in my life have I so quickly gone from the highest high from achieving a breastfeeding success, to an absolute low of utter frustration that, once again, my 2 week old daughter is in frustrated tears because we can’t get a good latch, or because, well, who knows. She’s a baby. I have no idea what she wants. I’m new here.

It’s both a blessing and a curse that babies eat like 8 times a day. Because there’s always an opportunity to try again and work hard to make it better the next time. But after hundreds of attempts, I dread the idea that the upcoming feeding could once again unfold into just pain and cursing and anger.

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Any other time, when someone or something hurts me, I’d avoid it. It’s hard to not project those feelings onto Maleia. I love her so much, but I dread these nursing sessions. Breastfeeding has been so much more challenging than I expected. I thought it would be natural and easy. I thought I was prepared, at least.

I’m learning perseverance. Right now it’s stressful and confusing, and I don’t know when it will get better. I’m exhausted. I constantly want to give up and just use formula, and I know that would still be okay. I wouldn’t feel like a failure, but I want to give this my best try first. I’m learning how to love this little person day by day, and this is part of it. Some of this love is natural and easy, and some I’m having to grow in. This extra challenge makes me want a break from her sometimes, and it’s hard to not feel guilty over that.

I’m so thankful for the people in our life right now who can come over and show me what breastfeeding is supposed to look and feel like. And we’ve been overwhelmed with blessings by family and friends who’ve provided food for us, checked in on us, and helped us during this time. We’re so thankful. These weeks are long, hard, and confusing, and that helps so much.

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I know this post is short and doesn’t have an ending, but we’re still in the middle of this story, so say a prayer for us, and we’ll see you on the other side.

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